I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
