just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
