Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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