He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
