Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
