at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
