my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
