I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
