dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
