i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
