i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
