Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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