I puked a lego.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
