Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
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