Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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