Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
