I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
