Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
