My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
