conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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