Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
