If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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