Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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