So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
