Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
