I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i was born a porn star she said
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
