Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
