I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
