You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
he thought i was a dude.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
