found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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