and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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