In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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