Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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