Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
