i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I can text with my tongue
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
