How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
pray to the hookup gods
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
