i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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