70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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