Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
