if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
