Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
