No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
