why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
