New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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