My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The power of my boobs compel you
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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