The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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