Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
