Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
