We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
