i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
