Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Text me some of your sweat
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
